Exit.

So here goes nothing..

I knew I had to write something on how my 2017 went.. I do not know if it’ll help me kick out the bad vibes once 2018 sets in.. or is this just another thing I want to look on later on.

Something is definitely wrong.. I do not know if it’s the situation that I am in but I always come down to the realization that maybe it is me. Maybe I have to change me. Maybe I am too much or maybe I ask for too much. Am I too self centered? And the worst question I have asked myself after recent events was.. Am I that of a monster?

I am not okay that’s for sure, but like they say.. it’s alright not to be okay sometimes. Sometimes admitting that you are not okay is helpful. Sometimes that’s all we need… but really is that just really it?

Advertisements

Hatred.

Hate is a very strong word and for me is a really bad thing. Having hate deep in our hearts and keeping them bottled up is even worse. 

How shall we deal with them though? How do we surpass such stage? This is a question that I have been wanting to be answered. For all my life. 

I grew up with so much troubles. In my heart and my mind. Since I was a kid I knew what is being physically and sexually abused and I always shook it off. Which I came to realize at a later stage that it was wrong, in all different levels. At a young age, I came to learn how to handle this on my own. Believing that, this too, shall pass. 

I never want to have hate in every fibre of my being. I always want to let go and let God. But it is hard. There will always be instances wherein I will wish that I could have fought for myself, or maybe have that someone to fight for me. I never had that. And to add on to it, I had someone to look after too as well. So being weak was never an option for me, or so I thought. 

The thing with having hate in you especially if its all bottled up is there will come a time where in it will come back. Flashbacks. It’s like an unresolved issue, and it will haunt you and that hate will just suddenly come back all over again. 

I have to repeat to myself over and over again that I have to move on.. I have to let go.. I pray every single time for the hate to go away for God to teach me and my heart to forgive and let it go. It’s easier said than done but when you live in a world that has given you amounts of tragedies that will make you hate the world and life itself, it is damn hard to fight that feeling back. 

Looking on the bright side, I came out becoming a warrior of life itself. It was somehow easy for me to have problems like it was normal and I still manage to get myself out of it and then move forward.. It mold me to who I am today. And I should say that the past made me sure to myself that I am better than them.. and that I will be better than then. It is indeed a daily struggle. You need to have your mindset that you will be fine and you’ll get throught whatever life throws at you no matter what it is, no matter how hard it’ll knock you out.

Honestly.. it really is easy said than done.. but I do know in me that I will survive and I will be better at it as the day goes by.. 

International Women’s Day. 

To all the great women out in the world..
“Don’t let anyone tell you you’re weak just because you’re a woman.” – Mary Kom

And to all the men, who has given nothing but mad love, fairness and respect to the women around.. I have nothing but respect, love and kudos for men like you! ❤❤❤❤❤

#InternationalWomensDay #spreadonlylove #bekind #equality

Quiet. Peace.

Sometimes we all need a breather. A quiet moment where in we just look out the window while sipping tea or coffee and just that awesome feeling of being thankful, grateful that we are here and we get to witness the beauty of this life. 

No matter how hard a situation is, pause for a while. Let yourself sink in at the moment that, this life, indeed is still beautiful. You are here, you are breathing, you are fine. 

Then you smile. And once again, you go back to reality and I promise you, you will feel refreshed, ready to face the real world once again. 

Troubled Minds. Troubled Hearts.

Yesterday we found out that an old friend has passed away. He was only 38 years old. When I asked around at first what happen they said it was due to a nightmare or during his sleep or a heart attack. All the while I was thinking life was too short, and I couldn’t help but just think of heading home and just be with my kids and pour them with more hugs and kisses and attention. I didn’t even want to be away from them.

And a news broke out and it stunned us. He committed suicide.
He was a very protective guy. He jokes around, laughs around and you wouldn’t see a tiny bit of burden or problem from him. He was indeed someone that you’d want to hang out with just chat the night away. He will stop at nothing to make you laugh. He was like a big brother to anyone, and no matter how drunk you are he’d look after you. I haven’t seen him for a long time, and how I wish I could have kept in touch.

He had a lot of friends, but no one knew the reason behind this tragedy. What was happening and what triggered it. They only said that he was unhappy at work. This was something unbelievable and very shocking to everyone. I was thinking maybe I could have helped him, but he had more friends that I could ever imagine. What else could have I done? But I sure do hope that, I wish I was given a chance to have at least tried..

That’s when it got me thinking that life is and will always be unfair for some, and the burdens of some are way over what they can really take. Some say it may have cause of some financial struggle, that he had a debt that he couldn’t figure a way out of. Some said he was suffering depression. My question is, he had a lot of people to count on, talk to.. but why no one figured that something was wrong? Why didn’t he reached out? He was probably troubled in his mind, and he probably thought that ending his life was the solution. I do not know what is going through his wife’s mind right now. Let alone his daughter. They must be questioning themselves to as to what went wrong. 😢

This is what scares me the most.. people who are struggling, inside of them. They tend to go into this dark places and sometimes they get lost. I do get that sometimes, I guess, I am just one of the lucky ones who will try to dust it off and shake my head off the negativity. But I know that I am still scared.

Recently, there has been quite a high rise of suicides back here, especially with kids ranging from 11-16. Why do they do it? Pressure from academics, they got scolded because they weren’t doing great in school, bullied in school, isolation, loneliness and so much more. I wish I have a voice to reach out to them. To tell them it’s alright not to be okay sometimes, and it’s alright to feel weak and cry, but always remember that they aren’t alone in this battle. Whatever they are going through in life, mentally, emotionally even physically. There will always be someone who is going through the same thing so hang on tight. Call out. REACH OUT. It’s okay to show your weaknesses. It’s okay that you are not feeling okay.

I know I am not perfect, but everyday, I try as much as I can to be kind, to be nice. No matter how rude a stranger can be, I sometimes put in my head that maybe he/she’s just having a bad day and just let it go.

There’s a whole world out there and everyone is fighting their own battles. Life is hard and its never going to be easy.. but nothing is TOO HARD. Call out. Reach out. People will help. There will always be someone willing to help. I know I am.

Exhaustion. Insanity.

So what have I been up to? I have been in one of the craziest, most challenging and the most unstable moods in my entire life.

Do you ever wonder and wish that you were just like 14-15 where you barely care for anything. Wherein you could be selfish, and think about no one but yourself? Yeah, I never really had that moment in my life.

For those who will be reading, this ain’t entirely a happy post, so just giving you a heads up as I really don’t want to ruin your day or mood. It’s one of those days that I want to rant out.

I am now in a point in my life where in I want to be alone. I want to be away from reality for a while. It has been exhausting. Work, life, family.. everything has just been tiring. Sometimes, it all just boils down to breaking down, especially at night. I cry it all out because I am exhausted. Literally exhausted. Mentally, physically, emotionally.. and the only thing that’s keeping it all together is me still being strong spiritually. It has really been challenging, especially in the part where in you have to put on a brave face. It kills me when I know I have no choice but to be strong, because I have beautiful angels looking up to me and I gotta show them that Mommy is strong. But I am not, I am human, and I really don’t have supermommy powers.

There are times in life that it intends to disappoint you. It hands you struggles that sometimes is just too much to handle. It throws people in your life that are just to hard to understand, and I do not know how they do it, but certain scenarios happen and somehow you end up questioning yourself if there is anything wrong with you. But in reality, there really is none. It’s just that the other side tend not to understand your situation.

I am in deep thoughts. Questioning all the whys and how comes in this situation. Am I not understanding enough? Am I selfish? My head is going in circles and feels like someone is hammering it from the inside from thinking too much, and seriously I just want my mind to stop thinking and shut it down. How can I do that? If any of you have found any solution, please let me know.

I am just so down. I am in the point where I feel like I’ve had enough. 😦

 

Depression.

What is the definition of someone being depressed?

Is it someone who just basically feels sad? Or is it someone who just seemed to feel like there is no hope in this world, and everything is just black and grey. Or is it someone who is a loner, or seems to be on his/her own most of the time?

I do not know how one suffers from depression, but I do know I had instances or moments wherein I felt depress. The only thing that I am thankful for is, mentally, I guess, I was equipped to kick back those negative thoughts and feelings. And honestly, that is only sometimes. But what if I wasn’t well aware that sinking myself into depression will slowly kill me? Who will save me?

I have read stuff online, on how one battles depression. Others, they get really defensive when one person tells them that they are not battling depression, but merely, just being one hard pain in the ass.. One thing is for sure though, if a person is battling depression, they won’t tell you. It will be so hard to tell.

There will be moments wherein you will feel all alone, yet you know you have people around you. Moments wherein you just want to shut the whole world out, and you want to have that peace, and cry your heart out. You wouldn’t even know what is wrong, it’s just that you felt lonely, sad, or something is bugging you and there just no way out of it. It’s like drowning you in your own misery, when you couldn’t even figure out what is wrong in the first place.

I have this playlist on my phone where most of them are songs of praise. Once I put them on, I know something is wrong. Something was just not right with how I am feeling, and it is somehow taking me to a really dark bad place. So I listen. I listen to the songs nonstop, and I know that there will be this overwhelming feeling of sadness that will just be washed out. I do not even know why I feel sad in the first place, but something does trigger it. It may be as simple as a small comment by one of my peers. Or simple actions that I receive that I would simply feel worthless, rejected. When I am in this situation, I close my eyes. I let the power of music take over me, my head and my heart. Take a few deep breaths, close my eyes and just let me, myself and my head be silent, and listen to the words of the song. And I always utter the words, “Lord, watchover me, please.” That is one thing I make sure I do not lose. My faith in Him, and that everything will be alright as long as I hang on to Him. I guess, He is the main reason why I am mentally equipped to fight the struggles.

This is not a post wherein I am preaching for others to be religious, it’s something that I do. It helps me. A lot in most cases. I know how it feels that you can’t talk to anyone. Like no one would understand you or how you felt at the time. That you feel so embarass to talk about stuffs and how messy your feelings can be. It’s not mood swings, because you definitely know that there is a feeling inside you that just felt so alone, and sad.

Well, yeah.. here I am rambling my thoughts again. I really should do this more often, this is an outlet for me. I am not even sure if I need to be creative, or if anyone does read this. But it helps. It doesn’t help to answer questions in my head, if I do have any, but it just makes me feel like I am venting it out. No matter what it is, it does feel like I am letting go bit by bit..

 

Bye 2015.. Hello 2016..

Happy New Year to everyone!!!

2015 has definitely been a blast. Not only on my career side, but definitely it made a huge impact on my personal life.

There has been quite a lot of struggles and I must say it has taught me a lot. I’ve come to realize what is important and what I have to improve within myself and my life. 

It has taught me the true value and meaning of life. What’s important, who matters the most and how beautiful life is amidst of all the uncertainties. 

For now, I will need to blog more.. Share more of what I’ve encountered as this is truly an outlet for me. It gives me the strenght to let go of things that I will not be able to deal with, plus I get to share my thoughts and it will definitely let me sleep at night. Hehe 

So for now, I will leave at this and expect bunch more of stories coming out from my site. Whether it may be something nice or bad, hope it can help to shed some light to those that goes thru the same thing.. 

Embrace life.. Pass on the goodvibes and spread the love!!! Happy New Year to ya’ll!!! 

Do we ever get over it?

Things happen.. We may like it or not.. Unwanted instances that could forever scar us will happen. It’s inevitable. Do we get over them? Do we get past them? Or do we just push it aside and place it at the back of our brains where it will never be thought of.

Life happens.. And believe it or not, there is no real truth with it being a fairytale. Life’s scary and it can be cruel.. But i do have to admit there is a sense of clarity amidst of all of it. We tend to question everything.. Especially if a situation occur that would hit us hard so much that we feel like we’re drowning. 

I wanted to start this blog and let go of my old one coz i wanted to do something more positive. I wanted to post something that could make an impact to someone else’s life. Truth of the matter is, I can’t. 

Writing and blogging was my only source of releasing all what is being kept in me. Feelings that I couldn’t share with anybody. Insights or what goes thru my head, it’s all gonna be bottled up if I dont blog about it. And it drives me crazy.. 

And tonight is one of those nights.. I’m just feeling really down.. Life sucks sometimes.. And we are left with nothing but to suck it up to be able to survive.. 

Blank..

Just when i thought that it was over..

Sometimes we gotta believe and listen to our gut feeling. I always question what i feel or if i feel that something is wrong. I question my own self..

I always think that I am thinking too much. I am paranoid.. I was crazy. But NO. I was right all along..

Life is painful. It always will be. How we survive every single day is the only thing that matters.

Now.. Trust sucks. Big Time. I don’t even believe in Trust anymore.

And just when I thought that I was going to start this blog after having all those heartaches, sleepless nights, endless torture in my head.. and now.. I am back to square one.

Help me God. Clear my head. Let me sleep. Let my mind sleep. Hold me close while I drift off to laland. Comfort me and let me know that everything will be alright.