Depression.

What is the definition of someone being depressed?

Is it someone who just basically feels sad? Or is it someone who just seemed to feel like there is no hope in this world, and everything is just black and grey. Or is it someone who is a loner, or seems to be on his/her own most of the time?

I do not know how one suffers from depression, but I do know I had instances or moments wherein I felt depress. The only thing that I am thankful for is, mentally, I guess, I was equipped to kick back those negative thoughts and feelings. And honestly, that is only sometimes. But what if I wasn’t well aware that sinking myself into depression will slowly kill me? Who will save me?

I have read stuff online, on how one battles depression. Others, they get really defensive when one person tells them that they are not battling depression, but merely, just being one hard pain in the ass.. One thing is for sure though, if a person is battling depression, they won’t tell you. It will be so hard to tell.

There will be moments wherein you will feel all alone, yet you know you have people around you. Moments wherein you just want to shut the whole world out, and you want to have that peace, and cry your heart out. You wouldn’t even know what is wrong, it’s just that you felt lonely, sad, or something is bugging you and there just no way out of it. It’s like drowning you in your own misery, when you couldn’t even figure out what is wrong in the first place.

I have this playlist on my phone where most of them are songs of praise. Once I put them on, I know something is wrong. Something was just not right with how I am feeling, and it is somehow taking me to a really dark bad place. So I listen. I listen to the songs nonstop, and I know that there will be this overwhelming feeling of sadness that will just be washed out. I do not even know why I feel sad in the first place, but something does trigger it. It may be as simple as a small comment by one of my peers. Or simple actions that I receive that I would simply feel worthless, rejected. When I am in this situation, I close my eyes. I let the power of music take over me, my head and my heart. Take a few deep breaths, close my eyes and just let me, myself and my head be silent, and listen to the words of the song. And I always utter the words, “Lord, watchover me, please.” That is one thing I make sure I do not lose. My faith in Him, and that everything will be alright as long as I hang on to Him. I guess, He is the main reason why I am mentally equipped to fight the struggles.

This is not a post wherein I am preaching for others to be religious, it’s something that I do. It helps me. A lot in most cases. I know how it feels that you can’t talk to anyone. Like no one would understand you or how you felt at the time. That you feel so embarass to talk about stuffs and how messy your feelings can be. It’s not mood swings, because you definitely know that there is a feeling inside you that just felt so alone, and sad.

Well, yeah.. here I am rambling my thoughts again. I really should do this more often, this is an outlet for me. I am not even sure if I need to be creative, or if anyone does read this. But it helps. It doesn’t help to answer questions in my head, if I do have any, but it just makes me feel like I am venting it out. No matter what it is, it does feel like I am letting go bit by bit..

 

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